Every night I go to bed hoping that come morning I will change to be better, much much better. The mirror shows only disappointment.
But oh darling, my darling, all the years that time has eaten and all the years the life has decayed, there doesn’t seem to be any change, none at all; days still are long and nights, darker.
It’s all the same…
Somewhere around February of 2020 I started posting on this blog again and I was posting regularly as well. It was fault posting for months and then it was quite frequent as well. Its been good run.
My thanks to all of you for being here, coming here and hanging out and spending time. Really, thanks.
I thought as a special occasion we could do a kind of Q and A. If you have questions you wanted ask me always, ask away. If its private and I don’t wish to divulge, I will say so else I will definitely answer. What say you.
Or.
Kidding. Kidding.
😀
When they first met, her brightness practically blinded him. He is running from his elders, his teachers really, and he has found himself at the far end of an intergalactic event. He had never seen one like this before – two galaxies colliding, dying, and to be reborn again. He watched it in fascination, and like any young mind would, he cataloged the events unfurling in front of him. Stars collapsed and died in agony, their final bursts sending distant echos to their brothers and sisters. One last shine, one last reflection. His eyes is glassy.
“Aren’t you a romantic.” He whirls around, startled at the tinkling sound. “Crying over few dying stars,” the voice continues, slightly mocking, mostly teasing and generally annoying.
He is met with a vision. He gingerly shakes his head wondering if this is a mirage, if one of the stars escaped their fate and decided to mock him. Her red veil runs for thousands of yards, intricate designs of destinies of great men and women carefully written in the language only stars knew. She is smiling, no, smirking at him. Her hair billows around them enveloping the stellar show, like a gentle night.
Like a moonless night, he thinks, the softness of he thought thawing the cold space around them.
“First time?” She asks, her voice gentling. He nods and looks back at the spectacle.
“This is death and destruction.” He says waving his hand in front of them.
“Its also rebirth,” she replies gently. He swivels his head and looks at her. Her soft look melts his annoyance a little. “This is the our way, young moon beam.” She isn’t being condescending. He is young. She is probably…not. “We may live long but there is nothing like forever.”
“Aren’t King and Queen going to live forever?” He says, snidely. She gives him a sharp look of reprimand. He looks ashamed at his thoughtless comment.
“Don’t be that way young moon beam,” her mouth softens to a small smile. He notes that it has lot its charm. “We all have our jobs to do.” Was that a tinge of bitterness he notes?
He shakes his head, “Are you here to watch this as well?” He steers the conversation to neutral territory. The darkness around them flows like a river instead of a thunderstorm. Its peaceful, lulling him.
She nods. “I was here when the King took two dying stars and took a beat of my heart, a drop of my prana and breathed life into them. I was here when the first star drew her first breath. I was here when she danced to the lullaby of the hum of the vibrations of every star in existence.” She turns and smiles at him; a mother, a daughter, a sister, a lover – all encompassing. “It is only impudent for me to be here at the end, no?” There is no sadness in her. He doesn’t understand.
“But-”
“Just watch.” She turns his head towards the show and they watch. They watch the collision of two galaxies, the dance of the cosmos and the hum it sends out during its violent end. They spend eons next to each other without talking, simply watching. Her red veil changes patterns, destines changing, forming, dying. He glances at it several times and briefly wonders if his destiny is sown in her veil as well. He thwarts the thought before it could take a seed in his heart. He scoots closer to her as discreetly as possible. If he hears her chuckle in response, he pretends not to hear it.
When the galaxies merge and the last stubborn star dims to almost darkness, she sighs. “Stand behind me, young moon beam.” He wants to stubbornly say no, but what he sees in her face makes the words stop in his throat. She calls upon the life essence of the last dying star and breathes it in. “Stay there,” she scolds him when he tries to move and see what was going on.
Its then he sees him – the King. The King here.
“Is that the King?” He whispers, awe scraping his voice. She chuckles. Everyone is in awe of the King, the very first being that came into existence when entire universe came into existence. When the concept of universe was still abstract.
“It is I, indeed, young moon beam,” the King replies, kindly. “What are you doing here?”, he asks, amused at the pair. “Your kind aren’t interested in…these kinds of things,” he says waving at the dying part of universe in front of him.
“Its his first time,” she chirps.
The king smiles. “We rarely have an audience here and almost never of your kind,” his voice carries heat of copper. Electricity crackling inside pregnant monsoon clouds. “Stay behind her young moon beam,” the King tells him. “The beginnings are not always unkind.”
And then he breathes out in tandem with her. The young moon beam feels a new vibration humming around him. The galaxy has come to life.
There is light, bursts and bursts and bursts. A constant stream somewhere in background, a billion twinkles accompanying the stream and borrowing the source for their own shine. There are collisions, there are explosions, there are attractions and there are births and deaths, it is violent…it is beautiful.
“One day, life will thrive here.” She says, smiling to herself. Her veil flaps behind her in gentle waves, new destines are being written for billions of life forms who are going to make their home in the galaxy that she has given her prana to. Her audience of two look at her in part wonder and part fascination.
“Be will young moon beam. Till we meet next time.” The King leaves the two in the dawn of the birth of new galaxy.
“May I see you again?” He blurts. She looks at him in surprise. “I…” He trails.
“Have you ever seen a universe dying?” She asks, amusement lacing her voice. He shakes his head, unable to form words. He feels incredibly naive and incredibly stupid. “Consult your court architects. You will find me there.”
All that remains when she leaves is echo of a beam of light. Minor star systems greedily absorb the light she left behind so carelessly while he looks on, intrigued.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
“What the fuck are you wearing?” The HR manager tries very hard not to face palm. The girl standing next to him gives him a worried look. She looks at him once and looks at her dress – a bright red veil, a pink dress, a dozen bangles, good golden accessories, her thick hair braided to fall on her right shoulder, sparkling anklets and equally festive footwear. “Are you supposed to be a beacon on Earth signaling all Alien civilizations?” He snarks unnecessarily.
She snorts.
The HR manager looks at her, shocked. Arnav looks at her equally shocked.
She looks at the HR manager and shrugs. “What? You have to give to him, that was a good one.” The older man rolls his eyes again like a cliche that he is and settles in front of Arnav.
“This is Khushi. She just graduated from college.” He turned around and gave the young woman a gentle smile. “This is Arnav. Your new boss.”
“For the record,” Arnav amends immediately, “I would never take away your individuality from you.”
“But you wouldn’t want to be in my vicinity if the aliens were to arrive given my beacon status,” she completes his thought.
“Right?” Arnav says, brightly. “Or Zombies for that matter.” He tacks on sagely. “Shiny things are not a good thing for zombie apocalypse.”
“Simple pantsuits then?” She grins widely. “The company will pay for all of it, of course, as a compensation for infringing upon my individuality.” She turns her bright eyes.
He narrows his eyes, still amused, mouth lifting in pleasure. “Naturally.”
The HR manager groans in response. “Khushi, would you give us a minute?”
“Yes uncle.” She nods at Arnav and leaves them be.
The moment Khushi closes the door behind her, the manager whirls around. “You cannot sleep with her Arnav.”
Arnav looks at the older man in horror. “How dare you insinuate such a thing. I would never do that.”
“Yes you would. You have. Multiple times.” The manager yells. “You slept with the new hire in R&D just last week. He has been telling everyone Arnav, come on.”
“And?” Arnav drawls. “That doesn’t mean I want to sleep with Khushi,” he argues because its fun.
“Yes you would.” The older man breaths out. “Don’t, okay?”
Arnav waits for more but nothing else is said.
“Have I ever slept with anyone who didn’t want to sleep with me?” Arnav asks, calmly.
The manager shakes his head.
“Its always been consensual right?” He asks again.
“Yes. But do you understand the power dynamics here?” The manager tries. “They might not be saying no because you were the one asking.”
Arnav smiles. “You got it wrong here.” He stands up and walks towards the bay window in his office. “They seduced me. I never seduced them.”
“You set them up.” The manager held on.
Arnav turned around then. “I never singled anyone. I happened to be in same room as them. They came on to me. They reached out to me. When they offered…I didn’t refuse.”
He grins then.
The manager wonders then – if he was being played or if Arnav was being really honest.
“Be careful with her, okay?” He says weekly.
Arnav nods, amused. “Didn’t you notice?” He asks, looking at the door Khushi had exited from. “She wasn’t star struck when she met me.”
“And…that’s something?” The manager looks lost.
Arnav laughs. “That’s something else alright.”
How was your day? Good? Okay? Sucked? Busy?
Mine was long. Busy. 13 hours long. I got done a big chunk of work that had been ignored for a long time and got dumped on my head. Its fine I managed.
How was it today, any regrets? Were things executed as per plan?
I think I did alright. I was decently productive. Managed to finish most of my planned tasks. Still, before sleeping for the day, I do have few regrets 🙂 and thats okay. Let’s be better tomorrow.
Sweet dreams.
An intricate cycle of what ifs and if only and I should’ve and perhaps and maybe and…well, this is what I want to do for the rest of th week.
3 day challenge.
Don’t waste time. You what it is.
Be fully productive. We know how it works.
Do the thing thats taking you closer to your life goals and other goals thats set for the year.
Time is life. Don’t waste it. Yes, needs to be said twice.
Give up unnecessery distractions for next three days. Am not saying don’t entertain, just don’t be excessive.
Sleep and wake up on time. Three days.
Socialize, go for a walk or a run, eat clean, hydrate, meditate, exercise, groom. Wear a perfume even if you are working from home.
And lastly, live. Regrets happen. Wear them like battle scars.
After all, regrets tell the story we never got to live. And sometimes they tell the story we lived anyway.
Cheers my friends. Check in on how it goes.
You haven’t watched it?
Why not?
Do it.
Today.
Okay. Weekend?
Okay?
Okay.
Its awesome. Plain awesomeness.
Bye.
There was a discussion recently regarding discourse of happiness and success. This WhatsApp group I am part of are all my peers from college, all women, settled across the globe. I was busy so I didn’t pay much attention for couple of days till I got specifically poked by few of them personally to offer my fifty paisa worth of perspectives. And I did (just a little while ago), but it got me thinking.
First of all, I must confess. I totally and completely lie about everything about myself to everyone. I have manufactured answers that will not make people question my sanity or give me weird looks for the rest of my life (or call my mother, if you will) so early on, I decided I needed a public persona with enough good answers that will keep satisfied. Sometimes when I am completely and utterly exhausted, my filters go away and they don’t function. That’s why, children, do NOT ever message or email anyone when you are a) upset b) tired c) foolishly crushing on someone. Consider this free advice. So. I was fucking exhausted and I should have took a bath like I usually do at night and crash but no. I had the brilliant idea to engage when majority of the group was active. Allow yourself to send virtual kicks my way. Please. I beg you. I totally deserve it.
Back to the explanation. The idea of happiness and unhappiness is so binary that its frustrating. I am a person who gets restless when there is more than 10 minutes of free time. I am rarely bored. When I do get bored, I find something and be not bored almost immediately. I am rarely not doing anything. So I chimed in the conversation saying that I don’t think I have been happy or unhappy. I think I have had joy. Hell, I experienced flash of joy watching Zhang Zi Yi and Wang Yi Bo short video. At the same time I have been nursing a severe pain in my ankle after injuring it couple of days ago. Also, yesterday was a pretty good day at work so all the sleepless nights, the guilt of gushing over a drama and copious amount of herbal tea that makes my head dizzy, seemed all worth it – does all this compounded to happiness? Because I was still partially frustrated, irritated, in pain, had a bit of joy, relaxed from work, chatting with friend, watching TV show, stomach full, unbothered of insomnia, so, did this fit the definition happiness? Or the lack of a lot of things sounds it unhappy? I don’t feel sad. I am not depressed. I do feel moments of despair and melancholy and sadness. But I don’t think I have it prolonged. So I guess I am not unhappy? I don’t have prolonged periods of joy either. I only have prolonged periods of…busy. So I guess I am not happy?
Truest me, I know when I am being a little shit and be a fucking contrarian just to stir up trouble. This wasn’t, isn’t the case. I was being honest. For the first hour there was a smattering responses involving freedom to define what makes us happy – which I think is the best approach to everything. But we always have those people who need these definitions to be put in place, the way things, emotions need to have an organizational drawers and express its own capacity and have a definitive function over discourse. So naturally they had some questions here. We naturally cannot agree that what makes one happy is always the right one because happiness is also tied, to a certain degree to the ethical and moral implications. To which there was a response – that’s true, however, in the pre-established boundaries of legal, moral and ethical boundaries, we should all be able to define our own version of happiness as long as it doesn’t infringe upon others. I was like – how the fuck do you people have so much time to pass on this nonsensical discussions? I mean when I have time to spend, I waste on other good stuff. Not have pseudophilosophical discussions on ethics of happines, fuck off.
Its still going on. People are still discussing what makes us happy. I chimed in again few minutes ago. I have about six hours of dog work. I have to put my head down and fix my code. Its not easy work. Its mind bending, neck aching, gum bleeding, butt hurting work. Next six hours will have me agitated, annoyed, frustrated, angry, hopeless, achy, and by the end totally exhausted. I will also be happy. Because this kind of work, what I feel when I see the end result – the beautiful pretty code that works with excellent performance, makes me happy.
How does that fit in the worldview.
I have no words how to explain this masterpiece to you. I mean on the one hand I love dinosaurs 🦕 so I watch them. Jurassic Park? Jurassic World? Fuck you, you movies with script and budget for VFX and actors and camera and location and director and props. You bitches hold my 2 rupees chai.
So the movie is a superhero movie. The pastor’s parents die in a car fire. This is how it happens.
This is not a joke. This is actual DVD release. The movie is made so lazily a d so carelessly and so…I ran out of adverbs. Basically they put this up instead of showing a car on fire. Could have fixed it by telling this but no…. we get this. OK OK. I compose myself after a good minute of laughing.
The pastor is unhappy so he goes to China where he randomly meets a woman who dies in front of him and he has an artifact that scratches his hand. She dies and calls him dragon warrior because that’s all Chinese people do. Suddenly he is back in US. And he feels weird. No shit.
And then we see the hooker getting attacked and pastor saves her. By…turning into a dinosaur 🦕 woo-hoo. The artifact was a dino tooth or some shit, I don’t know or care. But it transforms him because thats how complex science works.
The hooker and him have this awkward love story with a seizure inducing sex scene. The pastor is not being a good Christian so his boss is passed and this point I just want more Dino action and transformation but the dialogs are so bad I pause my work and pay full attention to this pile of hot garbage. Boss pastor thinks its demonic so there is some weird exorcism.
Oh wait. The hooker has a pimp who comes to confess his sins randomly and tells our hero that he is the one who set the car on fire. Hero turns into half Dino, just the claws, I was a bit sad but I’ll take it, and kills him. So cool. So awesome.
Ok back to exorcism. Naturally it goes wrong and boss pastor loses eyes. I was snorting through my lunch so I missed some golden lines here I am sure. Because. Because.
Ninjas. Ninjas are here. Cause our hero is a super special snowflake. Fuck marvel and DC superheroes. Our boy is Dino on the side with nasty claws. Anyway, ninjas are somehow related to some drug business? The boss pastor goes to ninja boss and collude to kill hero dino.
Boss pastor reads subtitles. I swear I am not kidding. Hear me out. He doesn’t know Chinese. Ninja boss speaks o ly Chinese. Boss pastor keeps saying I don’t understand what you are saying but manages to understand anyway. How. I ask again. How. I want this skill.
Anyway boss pastor is double crossed a day dies. Dun dun dun. And the person who kills him? Heros younger bro. Who didn’t exist till this scene. I don’t care. Hero comes to ninja boss’s lair. Don’t know how he knows but he is awesome. Dino DNA maybe. His girl gets hurt. He gets mad. He turns into dino. THE CONTENT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR OMG STOP TEASING AND SHOW ME THE FUCKING DINO ALREADY. And they do.
Feast your eyes. Cool no? Its awesome. Thats our hero turned into dinosaurs 🦕. And he fighte all the ninjas in the gang. All 4 of them. Literally there are 4. I counted. The hero starts giving a speech basically plagiarizing Gandhi and one of the ninja checks his watch. Its so self aware I love it so much 💓 💗 💕 💖.
Okay after I recovered from this scene I unpaused, and started again. Boss Ninja is ready to fight and our hero is passed cause I don’t care but he is. So he rips his head off. Yep. He rips boss ninjas head off from his body. Wanna see the shot? I’ll show you.
Nope. Thats not a human head. Thats a wig mannequin. A fucking wig mannequin that you see in stores. With bunch of eyebrows cause REALSIM. Oh man this was the best scene of all. And the puppet hand throws the mannequin head on the ground and a Gandhi quote is shown on screen.
Cause we have a moral of the story here. Violence is bad. Peace is awesome. Sure pal. And his girl is superfine. She tells him later that he has a billion dollars reward as bounty on his head. No this isn’t an exaggeration. I listened to this twice. Its billion. Cause our boy can turn into a Dino.
Rating – A must party watch. I wish I watched this with my friend. Once I started watching I couldn’t stop. This is plain awesome. 😅😅😅 Highly recommend this.
I said goodbye to an old friend.
I said hello to an old friend.
I have written here about both. We have talked about it. Since I am reviewing past year, it made sense.
Life cannot be and shouldn’t be treated as balancesheets. But I do it anyway. When I think about it, this is a good balance. Universe balanced out. I like it when things are balanced. Knowing that losing and gaining is a part of life, my spine settled and its fine.
I asked the Hello: whats the point. why bother. does it matter. how much difference can this make, really. I mean we hadn’t talked in 16 years. Majority of our adult lives was spent without us knowing each other. The adult version of us is so…different – so grounded, we make self deprecated jokes, there are prolonged silences, but the a restlessness is evident when topics move to past years. Our memories of the other is perfect but our own memory of the past is hazy. Is that odd or is that heartbreaking? I can never tell.
I told Goodbye: I wish this wasn’t it. I know you and you know me. Let’s call it quits. I never got a response. I wasn’t looking for one. It doesn’t matter when you say goodbye. At least for these kinds. In some cases goodbyes are prelude to a future hello. Sometimes goodbye is a full stop to everything. And sometimes goodbyes are just pauses till one picks up the phone and sends a picture.
There were many other hellos and goodbyes. Some paused, some stayed on and some let go. And not all were people.
By the end of year i realized there is a lot to learn and dedicate time to. Everything else is secondary. All the things you want, comes as byproduct.
So here is the thing:
Calm down. Take a deep breath. Canonize silence. Economize speech. Touch gently. Smile tenderly. Run at a pace you want to, work for the fire in your belly. There is no race, there is no goal. There is nature and rivers, trees and streams, large buildings and marvelous bridges, caterpillars and songbirds, high tech machinery and wild flowers; but one day you will get there to where you have been running to. Some will reach earlier than you – its okay. Speak less about it. Some will reach much later than you – its okay too. Don’t seapk at all. Those who reach with you – hold their hand, say hello, say hi, exchange numbers and maybe one day, someday, on a knobby hill, after years and years of hellos and goodbyes, you will sit down. And there won’t be anywhere else to go.
Hello.
Its been interesting few days, I would say. I messed up the template so I had to take this hiatus for a bit to find some time to fix it and then make a new post. Anyway. Here we are.
New year always brings up resolutions and the talks of regrets. In group of friends I was chatting with i mentioned that I had many, many regrets but thats in past. Thinking is useless, its best to move on. This spiraled into a discussion about why regrets exist to why regrets don’t go away. I do agree to an extent that regrets don’t go away. Like any memory, any thought, they stay and linger and fester, breed and mutate.
I get that. And thats the problem isn’t it. Sitting with regrets isn’t easy. Allow them a minute, an hour, a day in your life. And then leave them behind. You will be ok. You have been this far and they are already behind you. It means when it happens again, don’t let the taste of past linger.
I am at this point in life where attraction to a celebrity is rarely because of how they look or what kind of social media platform they run. Its never fascinated me or interested me. However people who have obsessively achieved multiple things in their lives, excite me. I identify with those handful of people who love the craft of profession and don’t talk about it. Success and fame is a by product. They chase the thrill of learning. They get addicted to the high of being better at the thing they are learning and they chase that high. That, for me is interesting. That for me, is fascinating.
What do you guys think?
Also, anyone here done your MBTI? Whats yours?
I am running away from reality, as fast as i could... 